The One With the Star Trekathon
by Pjazz
Summary: Ross and Chandler watch every episode of Star Trek back to back. Joey has a hot new girlfriend, whose underwear has a strange fascination for Rachel. (Set before Rachel's pregnancy)


The One with the Star Trek-a-thon  
  
A Friends fanfic by Pjazz  
  
2003  
  
INT. CENTRAL PERK.  
  
ROSS, CHANDLER AND JOEY.  
  
ROSS  
  
You know what? I'm kinda bored.  
  
CHANDLER  
  
You, a man who examines tiny fossils for a living, bored? How can that be?  
  
ROSS  
  
I don't know. I've got nothing planned this weekend. No date. Carol and Susan have Ben.  
  
I'm just really at a loose end.  
  
JOEY  
  
You know what we should do? Take a tour of the lap dancing clubs.  
  
ROSS  
  
Joey, the last time you took me to a lap dancing club the dancer pressed her silicone breasts so hard against my face I had blocked sinuses for a week. No, thank you.  
  
CHANDLER  
  
Channel 24 are having a Star Trek-a-thon this weekend. All the original episodes back to back. Non stop.  
  
ROSS  
  
A Star Trek-a-thon? That sounds cool.  
  
JOEY  
  
Dude, it sounds like a lotta things, but cool ain't one of them.  
  
ROSS  
  
Remember that time back in high school? We watched a 'Lost in Space' marathon. I dressed up as Robbie the Robot.  
  
CHAND  
  
Ah yes. As Doctor Zachary Smith would say - the pain, the pain.  
  
ROSS  
  
Of course we can't do that now. Chandler would never stay awake.  
  
CHAND  
  
I would too stay awake.  
  
ROSS  
  
Dude, there are 70 odd Trek episodes. That's like 3 days worth. No way. You even fall asleep having sex with Monica.  
  
CHAND  
  
It's true. I do find her rhythem somewhat sleep inducing.  
  
JOEY  
  
Count me out. Hot date with Suki. But you two nerds go right ahead.  
  
CHAND  
  
I'm game if you are.  
  
ROSS  
  
Great. I'll bring the popcorn.  
  
CHAND  
  
I'll bring the amphetamines.  
  
INT. JOEY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JOEY AND RACHEL.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Joey, I just noticed the laundry basket. Where did these women's panties come from? You haven't been stealing Monica's underwear again, have you?  
  
JOEY  
  
Hey, that was a one off emergency. I was out of handkerchiefs.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Well, they're very nice. The material's so soft and the cut looks flattering and yet comfortable.  
  
JOEY  
  
You are totally checking out my girlfriend's panties. That is so hot!  
  
RACHEL  
  
These are Suki's? Wow. She has great taste in underwear - for someone so slutty looking.  
  
JOEY  
  
You think Suki's slutty looking? And not in a good way?  
  
RACHEL  
  
Kinda. She wears those leather thigh boots.  
  
JOEY  
  
So? Plenty of women wear thigh boots. It's a hot look.  
  
RACHEL  
  
To work? Joe, she's a dental hygeniest. Where does she work? The Maquis de Sade Dental Practice?  
  
JOEY  
  
I resent that. I have no idea what it means. But I resent it.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Can you ask her for me where she buys her underwear?  
  
JOEY  
  
I'm not asking her where she buys her panties. That's weird stuff.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Joey, I've seen you make out in a phone booth. When someone was using it. Just ask her.  
  
JOEY  
  
You ask her.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Alrighty, I will.  
  
JOEY  
  
(GRINS) Oh yeah...  
  
RACHEL  
  
What?  
  
JOEY  
  
I'm imagining you and Suki talking panties. Oh, you're swapping panties with her right now.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Joey!  
  
JOEY  
  
Oh man, now you're swapping bras. Now I'll never get to sleep tonight.  
  
DOOR OPENS. SUKI ENTERS.  
  
SUKI'S A GORGEOUS BLONDE. THINK ELIZA CUTHBERT.  
  
SUKI  
  
Hey, Joe. Monica.  
  
RACHEL  
  
No, I'm Rachel. Monica's the one who yelled at you for not using a coaster.  
  
SUKI  
  
Right. Sorry.  
  
JOEY  
  
Rachel was totally checking out your panties earlier.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Joey!  
  
SUKI  
  
Really?  
  
RACHEL  
  
Well, kinda. But not in a weird lesbian way.  
  
JOEY  
  
Aw! Don't spoil it.  
  
SUKI  
  
They're by a new Italian designer.  
  
JOEY  
  
Do Italians know women's butts, or what!  
  
SUKI  
  
I got them at Bernadettes. A new place on 81st street.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Thank you. I'll have to visit sometime.  
  
SUKI  
  
You can try mine on if you like?  
  
JOEY  
  
Alright! And don't forget to swap bras.  
  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.  
  
ROSS AND CHANDLER ARE PREPARED TO WATCH STAR TREK.  
  
MONICA  
  
So let me get this straight. You two are going to sit on this couch for 3 days and watch nothing but a dumb science fiction show you've already seen like a hundred times before?  
  
CHAND  
  
That's right, honey.  
  
MONICA  
  
I am so hot for you right now.  
  
ROSS  
  
It's not a dumb show. Star Trek shows how mankind might one day achieve a bright future through harmony, cooperation and the benign application of science.  
  
CHAND  
  
Plus Uhura wears a tight mini skirt.  
  
MONICA  
  
Ok, you've got bowls for the popcorn. Pots of coffee. Beers. Make sure you use coasters and put the empties in the trash. Don't see how high you can stack them like Joey.  
  
ROSS  
  
Ok, mom.  
  
CHAND  
  
You're not staying? I thought this was something we could do together. As man and wife.  
  
MONICA  
  
Don't you mean nerd and wife?  
  
CHAND  
  
Ok, nerd and wife.  
  
MONICA  
  
Sweetie, sex is what we do together. For a Star Trek-a-thon you have Ross.  
  
ROSS  
  
I'm not getting naked. No matter how much you beg.  
  
MONICA  
  
Phoebe and I are going to a hardware sale at Macy's.  
  
CHAND  
  
Be sure and bring me back something sexy in aluminum.  
  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.  
  
MORNING.  
  
ROSS AND CHANDLER HAVE BEEN WATCHING TV FOR OVER 24 HOURS. THEY LOOK A BIT FRAZZLED.  
  
DOOR OPENS. SUKI ENTERS. SHE'S WEARING NOTHING BUT A MAN'S SHIRT.  
  
SUKI  
  
Hey, guys. Got any fresh milk? We're all out.  
  
CHAND  
  
Suki. Suki or not Suki, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer ---  
  
ROSS  
  
Dude, you struck out. Leave it.  
  
SUKI  
  
What are you watching? Star Trek? That is so cool. I love Star Trek.  
  
ROSS  
  
You do? Boy, where were you in high school.  
  
SUKI  
  
I used to have such a major crush on Captain Kirk. Then I saw TJ Hooker and realised William Shatner wore a corset and a wig.  
  
ROSS  
  
He wears a wig in this, too. I have a blooper tape at home where he wore it back to front.  
  
SUKI  
  
I'd love to see that.  
  
ROSS  
  
I'd love to show it to you.  
  
CHAND  
  
Ross, you're hitting on Joey's girlfriend.  
  
SUKI SITS ON CHANDLER'S LAP.  
  
SUKI  
  
Oh this is a classic episode. I love this one.  
  
CHAND  
  
Whoa! Totally inappropriate lap sitting. And yet oddly satisfying.  
  
MONICA ENTERS IN DRESSING GOWN.  
  
MONICA  
  
Chandler! Why is there a half naked girl in your lap?  
  
CHAND  
  
Good lord, so there is. I never noticed.   
  
My wife's in the room yet still you sit. Seriously, where were you in high school?  
  
SUKI  
  
You're Phoebe, right? The flakey one.  
  
MONICA  
  
No, I'm Monica. The married one.  
  
SUKI  
  
Right. The coaster bitch.  
  
MONICA  
  
Hey, is it such a crime not to leave rings?  
  
ROSS  
  
Suki's a fan of Star Trek. You know, that dumb show.  
  
MONICA  
  
And why is she wearing my husband's shirt?  
  
SUKI  
  
This is yours? I thought it was Joey's.  
  
CHAND  
  
I lent it to Joe. Well technically he stole it. But it looks great on you.  
  
MONICA  
  
Honey....  
  
CHAND  
  
In a baggy, shapeless non-arousing type way.  
  
SUKI  
  
You can have it back if you want.  
  
SUKI BEGINS TO UNBUTTON THE SHIRT.  
  
MONICA  
  
Whoa! You're naked under there. You take that shirt off, missy. And there's going to be some serious hair pulling going on.  
  
JOEY ENTERS, WEARING ONLY SUKI'S PANTIES.  
  
MONICA  
  
Joey! What the hell are you wearing?  
  
JOEY  
  
Suki's panties. Rachel was right. They are comfortable yet flattering.  
  
MONICA  
  
Whoa! Is that what I think it is?  
  
JOEY  
  
Ooops. Sorry. Having a little slipage problem.  
  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.  
  
ROSS AND CHANDLER HAVE BEEN WATCHING TV FOR 48 HOURS. THEY ARE SERIOUSLY UNKEMPT.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
So this is the future? Man, I had no idea lycra would be so popular. And who'd have thought beehive hair would make a comeback.  
  
ROSS  
  
Check out Mr Spock. He's largely responsible for the popularity of science among both sexes.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Yeah right. Pointy ears and a fringe are a real babe magnet.  
  
CHAND  
  
Damn! That's what I needed in high school. Pointy ears and a fringe.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
How come on Star Trek you never saw any one visit the toilet? Was science so far advanced that they didn't need bladders?  
  
CHAND  
  
Could be. Unless those stretchy pants are also super absorbant.  
  
ROSS  
  
As a kid I always thought by the time I was 30 we'd have tourist rockets to Mars. You just buy a ticket and visit when you wanted. That we'd all have anti gravity cars and floating cities in the sky. But none of that came true.  
  
CHAND  
  
We have internet porn. Cable porn. When I was a kid I never imagined they'd be so much free porn when I was 30.  
  
ROSS  
  
Oh this is a great scene. The vulcan mind meld.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
The vulcan what?  
  
ROSS  
  
It's where Spock puts his fingers to someone's temple and discovers their innermost secrets. How cool is that?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
I do that all the time.  
  
ROSS  
  
You? You can do the vulcan mind meld?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Uh huh. I'll show you.  
  
PHOEBE GRIPS ROSS'S HEAD WITH HER FINGERS.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Oh. Here we go. My, what a smutty mind you have for a scientist, Ross.  
  
CHAND  
  
What's in there? Anything juicy?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Hmmm. I'm getting Princess Leia. Naked. Fancy meeting you here, Einstein. Nice hair. Oh, I'm sensing great sexual frustration. Yes, much unresolved sexual frustration.  
  
CHAND  
  
Dude, relieve yourself like any normal guy.  
  
ROSS  
  
I don't like to do that too often. It's bad for the soul.  
  
CHAND  
  
If Monica catches you, it's bad for the stomach. No meals for a week.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
I'm sensing great pride for Ben.  
  
ROSS  
  
I do feel great pride for my son.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
And love for your friends. A whole bunch of dinosaur stuff. Oh and great genorosity for your good friend, Phoebe.  
  
ROSS  
  
Great generosity?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Uh huh. You have an overwhelming urge to lend Phoebe a hundred, no, a thousand bucks.  
  
ROSS  
  
Nice try, Phoebs.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Damn. I always get too greedy.  
  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.  
  
48 HOURS. ROSS AND CHANDLER NOW SERIOUSLY GRUNGY.  
  
THE AP IS DARK, LIT ONLY BY TV SCREEN.  
  
JOEY AND SUKI ENTER, GIGGLING. THEY START TO MAKE OUT.  
  
ROSS  
  
Is it sleep deprivation, or did Joey and Suki just come in and start making out?  
  
CHANDLER  
  
Hey, Joe. Little inappropriate. Two guys sitting right here watching a Star Trek-a-thon.  
  
JOEY  
  
Don't mind us.  
  
ROSS  
  
Uh, Joey, we do mind you. What d'you think you're doing?  
  
JOEY  
  
It's Sunday night. We always make out in here.  
  
CHAND  
  
You do? So that's what the strange noises are. Monica and I thought we were being haunted by the ghost of Mr Heckles.  
  
ROSS  
  
Well you can't do that tonight. It's too distracting. Plus kinda kinky.  
  
JOEY  
  
Jeez, you nerds are such tight asses. Fine. We'll do it in the hall.  
  
JOEY AND SUKI EXIT  
  
CHAND  
  
(BEAT) We can still hear you, dammit.  
  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.  
  
LATER THAT NIGHT.  
  
ROSS  
  
Man, I can't believe it. Captain Kirk's hitting on another alien female. Hello, haven't you heard of inter-species incompatibility? How does he know their...bits will even fit? I mean, she's not even human.  
  
CHAND  
  
Never underestimate the sex drive of a fat man in a bad toupee. Alien babes can't resist.  
  
MONICA OPENS HER BEDROOM DOOR.  
  
MONICA  
  
Honey, come to bed. We can do that thing you like. I'll pretend to be Elaine from Seinfeld.  
  
ROSS  
  
Dude!  
  
CHAND  
  
Hey, it's not like I'm turned on by Kramer.  
  
MONICA  
  
Chandler?  
  
CHAND  
  
Sorry, sweetcakes, but I'm staying here with Ross. Only another 12 hours to go. God help me.  
  
MONICA  
  
You're turning down sex with me? Fine. You know what happened last time, mister.  
  
MONICA SLAMS DOOR  
  
ROSS  
  
What happened last time?  
  
CHAND  
  
I had to get down on my hands and knees and beg for sex.  
  
ROSS  
  
You did that before you even met Monica.  
  
CHAND  
  
True. Tragic, but true.  
  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.  
  
THE END IS NEAR. FINAL EPISODE.  
  
ROSS AND CHANDLER ARE BEYOND GRUNGE. THEY BOTH HAVE 3 DAYS BEARD.  
  
ROSS  
  
Dear God, will this never end. I feel like I've spent more time in space than John Glenn.  
  
CHAND  
  
I think this is it. 'Turnabout Intruder'. The final episode of season 3.  
  
THE CREDIT MUSIC PLAYS  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Yea! You did it. You watched every single Star Trek episode back to back.  
  
JOEY  
  
You two are the biggest nerds in the whole world! Congratulations.  
  
CHAND  
  
Oh honey' I'm so proud of you...I think.  
  
ROSS  
  
Man, I can't believe it. We stayed awake for 3 days and nights. I feel like Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones.  
  
RACHEL  
  
If Keith Richards was a paleoentologist geek and not a rock and roll legend.  
  
CHAND  
  
You know the first thing I'm gonna do? Make sweet love to my wife.  
  
JOEY  
  
Alright, Chandler!  
  
MONICA  
  
No-oo-oo. The first thing you're gonna do is bathe. You stink. Then you're gonna shave. Then think of an excuse why you didn't turn up for work today.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Hey, TV Guide says there's a Babylon 5 marathon next weekend. You guy's going to watch that?  
  
ROSS AND CHANDLER LOOK AT EACH OTHER.  
  
ROSS/CHANDLER  
  
Nah.  
  
INT. RACHEL'S BEDROOM.  
  
RACHEL IS ASLEEP - AND DREAMING.  
  
SHE IS WITH MODELS CINDY CRAWFORD, NAOMI CAMPBELL, CHRISTY TURLINGTON AND KATE MOSS.  
  
THEY ARE ALL IN BRA AND PANTIES.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Listen up. I'll swap panties with Cindy, Naomi with Kate. Christy will wear my bra, Cindy Naomi's. Okay, everyone strip.  
  
RACHEL WAKES WITH A START.  
  
SHE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT IN BED.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Did I just dream I was swapping underwear with a bunch of supermodels?   
  
Dammit, Tribianni, what did you do to my head?  
  
THE END  
  
***  
  
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